“My Grace is Sufficient for You”

Romans 7:14-20

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it”

This verse for me often illustrates my frustration after I mess up. I say I don’t do what I know is good and I do what I know is bad. I’m frustrated after I mess up but I take solace in the idea that my heart is good and I am convicted which is better than no remorse.

However what do I do when I feel less and less remorse? I can’t run to that comfort anymore and I can’t jump back into good feeling land. I feel like nothing and worthless and I don’t understand why.

Am I not a child of God’s? I thought there was love, forgiveness and peace in His arms even after I mess up. Isn’t the broken human life always in the “after I mess up” stage anyways? I thought I was supposed to feel warmth and value even when I mess up and am forgiven. I’m not angry with God I just don’t get it.

What happens when I can’t truthfully say “I do what I do not want to do”? What happens when I simply do what I want to do? Obviously I am seeking myself out first being as I am no longer following Luke 9:23 in which Jesus says “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me”. Clearly looking out for number 1 has become more of a priority than following Christ.

So I have to pursue God but what if I’m moody about it? When I was younger I always thought that by the time I was in college I would have had an “experience” much like “that guy’s” testimony back in middle school, and “that girl’s” in high school, and “that other dude” too. Where is my “experience” to make me have a desire in my heart for seeking Christ out? I look around and I can see how from the outside it looks like I have everything. But I feel like I have nothing, I feel like I’m not even really here.

Sometimes I want to give up. I think that I want to let my life take its course and get some kind of pure justice for what I’ve done. I want to let go of the reins and just get what I deserve for what I know I’ve screwed up. I feel like my life is a show and I’m a spectator watching my sad drama and I am somehow pleased. I can’t wait to see how the story, my story, goes. How it unfolds without me actually participating or really steering it. I think I’m so disappointed with myself that I now that no involvement in my own “play” will make me end up in a not great place which is what I feel I deserve. I kind of like that I guess because I can control that and if it’s what I deserve why not go there?

Then again, I have 2 sides within myself. The one side that wants the pure and uninhibited justice of the bad place I’ll naturally end up when I let this road run its course. The other side however holds on to a glimpse of potential. What I know could be if I wanted to work at it. But that side requires bringing others in and going outside myself. That idea is fiercely opposed when I know failure is an option. I suppose the true bottom line is courage. I know how bad it can get if I stay on the current course and I know I’ll only be affecting me. I don’t want to bring others in because of the potential collateral damage that is outside of their control. I don’t want to take that leap and risk hurting others. Isn’t it better to choose the option in which no damage is guaranteed? What if that is just a smoke screen as well?

What if I just don’t want to try and risk failing. “I don’t want to fail so why try”? Is that being lazy or cowardice? Probably both. What if I don’t want to face the fact that I fail? I’d have to accept forgiveness of my mess-ups and what if I don’t want to do that? If I accept forgiveness and the message of the cross that means that I don’t have it all. I would not be sufficient and I would be lacking. I don’t want to be weak. I want to be everything and need no one. Maybe it’s because I’ve been burned before in accepting my need of others and trusting them and that’s why. But I know deep down that it’s not about that either.

My need means that I am in need of a Savior. Not a person to help me out, but a true Savior. Paul quotes Christ in 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” Paul’s application comes right on the heels of the sentence saying “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me”. This means that If I don’t humble myself to a place where I can admit my weaknesses I will not know Christ’s strength and I will fail every time. I need forgiveness. I need to humble myself and accept that I don’t have it all that I’m not sufficient. But it’s okay because His grace is sufficient for me. This realization pierces me to the core and I am brought to my knees realizing that I must constantly abide in Christ and in humility and that is my “experience” I need. Not a single event or moment but living in humility. I’ll then admit I need forgiveness and therefore be able to life a life to the fullest which is what Christ said he came here to give: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”-John 10:10