“My Grace is Sufficient for You”

Romans 7:14-20

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it”

This verse for me often illustrates my frustration after I mess up. I say I don’t do what I know is good and I do what I know is bad. I’m frustrated after I mess up but I take solace in the idea that my heart is good and I am convicted which is better than no remorse.

However what do I do when I feel less and less remorse? I can’t run to that comfort anymore and I can’t jump back into good feeling land. I feel like nothing and worthless and I don’t understand why.

Am I not a child of God’s? I thought there was love, forgiveness and peace in His arms even after I mess up. Isn’t the broken human life always in the “after I mess up” stage anyways? I thought I was supposed to feel warmth and value even when I mess up and am forgiven. I’m not angry with God I just don’t get it.

What happens when I can’t truthfully say “I do what I do not want to do”? What happens when I simply do what I want to do? Obviously I am seeking myself out first being as I am no longer following Luke 9:23 in which Jesus says “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me”. Clearly looking out for number 1 has become more of a priority than following Christ.

So I have to pursue God but what if I’m moody about it? When I was younger I always thought that by the time I was in college I would have had an “experience” much like “that guy’s” testimony back in middle school, and “that girl’s” in high school, and “that other dude” too. Where is my “experience” to make me have a desire in my heart for seeking Christ out? I look around and I can see how from the outside it looks like I have everything. But I feel like I have nothing, I feel like I’m not even really here.

Sometimes I want to give up. I think that I want to let my life take its course and get some kind of pure justice for what I’ve done. I want to let go of the reins and just get what I deserve for what I know I’ve screwed up. I feel like my life is a show and I’m a spectator watching my sad drama and I am somehow pleased. I can’t wait to see how the story, my story, goes. How it unfolds without me actually participating or really steering it. I think I’m so disappointed with myself that I now that no involvement in my own “play” will make me end up in a not great place which is what I feel I deserve. I kind of like that I guess because I can control that and if it’s what I deserve why not go there?

Then again, I have 2 sides within myself. The one side that wants the pure and uninhibited justice of the bad place I’ll naturally end up when I let this road run its course. The other side however holds on to a glimpse of potential. What I know could be if I wanted to work at it. But that side requires bringing others in and going outside myself. That idea is fiercely opposed when I know failure is an option. I suppose the true bottom line is courage. I know how bad it can get if I stay on the current course and I know I’ll only be affecting me. I don’t want to bring others in because of the potential collateral damage that is outside of their control. I don’t want to take that leap and risk hurting others. Isn’t it better to choose the option in which no damage is guaranteed? What if that is just a smoke screen as well?

What if I just don’t want to try and risk failing. “I don’t want to fail so why try”? Is that being lazy or cowardice? Probably both. What if I don’t want to face the fact that I fail? I’d have to accept forgiveness of my mess-ups and what if I don’t want to do that? If I accept forgiveness and the message of the cross that means that I don’t have it all. I would not be sufficient and I would be lacking. I don’t want to be weak. I want to be everything and need no one. Maybe it’s because I’ve been burned before in accepting my need of others and trusting them and that’s why. But I know deep down that it’s not about that either.

My need means that I am in need of a Savior. Not a person to help me out, but a true Savior. Paul quotes Christ in 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” Paul’s application comes right on the heels of the sentence saying “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me”. This means that If I don’t humble myself to a place where I can admit my weaknesses I will not know Christ’s strength and I will fail every time. I need forgiveness. I need to humble myself and accept that I don’t have it all that I’m not sufficient. But it’s okay because His grace is sufficient for me. This realization pierces me to the core and I am brought to my knees realizing that I must constantly abide in Christ and in humility and that is my “experience” I need. Not a single event or moment but living in humility. I’ll then admit I need forgiveness and therefore be able to life a life to the fullest which is what Christ said he came here to give: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”-John 10:10

Back Home?

To all those avid subscribers out there-all one of you, I apologize for the lack of me blogging. I've been busy and so here is my first scattered shot at letting you into some of my world.

It's been a wild ride. No other way to say it. It was incredible and such an experience, you don't even know. I'm struggling with the fact that, whoever you are, you don't know. You can't really connect with this last part of my life. Not to say you're not intelligent or anything. But I realize few people have volunteered 5 months of their lives for a non profit, living out of a van with 3 other people-one of which is from a war torn country. I was married to those 3 people for that time, actually I saw those people more than a married person see's their spouse. It was rarely a happy marriage either. I visited a mix of venues, high schools, colleges, churches-88 total. I planned 32 of those. I cold called about 120 venues total, and that's a lot of rejection. I spoke to over 11,000 people. I empowered them to take action and let their voice be heard to bring to light a terrorist group wreaking havoc in central east Africa. I met kids that were jolted awake to a world outside their own. I met people that loved us after meeting us 2 minutes earlier. I met amazing people. The most amazing people I've ever met.

I've experienced something that few people do. I've gotten perspective. I've seen the world through so many lens's that I'm blown away at how little I know. Through getting more knowledge I realize I know nothing in the grand scheme of things. I've been humbled. I've been broken. I've been loved by people that became my family.

I'm terrified that I can't share this experience with the world. I've learned so much. So what do I do now? Act like it never happened? Talk to you and carry on like I never left? I want to apply everything I've learned, I've grown, but you weren't there with me-you and I aren't on the same page.

Your life hasn't been a standstill either though. I want to learn from you. I want to hear your stories, but I haven't been here. I've been gone and you've been living life and learning and growing. Can we put our lives together? I want you to understand, truly see and understand my life and I want to hear your story.

Maybe you do understand. Maybe you can say "I know exactly what Spence is talking about". I hope you do. I don't want to forget the last 5 months, I want to share them with you and re-live them and continue learning.

How I see it

I am constantly amazed. Im traveling all across the pacific northwest and I have a perspective I've never had before. Every night someone in any given city opens their house to us to stay in. Every day we go to a school where people have put in valuable time to empower youth to make a change in our world. Every screening we witness excited people see their hard work come to fruition, marked by an Invisible Children van pulling up. What is this massive network I'm a part of? This extended family that I never knew existed. I never cease to be amazed at peoples love and openness towards people they've just met. I love being a part of this. I can't believe I'm privileged to be a part of it. I am so blessed to be able to participate in this revolution of people who care about others before themselves. I love what I do and I can't wait to see where it'll take me!

Moses Lake, Washington

We drove overnight from Boise to Moses Lake, Wa. A 6 hour drive in the middle of the night, over a mountain pass, and at one point slid across two lanes because of ice, but we didn't crash and made it to our screening on time! We met an amazing contact-Miles Hanson (and family). They were so nice and Miles was a ton of fun. Over the weekend we dressed up in a Nacho Libre costume, drove around the sand dunes, and went ice skating for FREE! Our time in Moses Lake was amazing and I'll never forget it! Video

Boise

We spent a week in Boise, Idaho. We had some amazing screenings. One of which was a screening to an alternative schools where kids came who had been kicked out of regular school or had trouble with drugs, problems at home etc. It was a screening I was really looking forward to. The school was maybe 150 and it was a low income area and we knew that we wouldn't make a lot of money. But that's not what Invisible Children is all about. We want people to see what's going on in other parts of the world and just see what conditions other people have to face every day too. A teacher came up to us after we had screened to the school. He wouldn't stop telling us what an impact we had on the school. He said how the film "subdued" them and how it completely got their attention. How it kicked down barriers and kids shared in class how they feel and what they thought-a rarity for that school. Hearing that made my day. It made me happier than having a record day in sales. We met these kids through the film and then I got to talk to so many. I feel so privileged and honored to be a part of this incredible organization.

We also had a little free time and it just so happened all our host homes had trampolines...video.